it’s already March now.
where did Jan and Feb go? - most of you guys must have said this once or twice…
This three months since last December till today – I’d put it as months of self-discovery.
I have put up with lots of obstacles that’s very much of a – me vs theotherme – kinda thing. Facing each and every incident, right in front of me, never once have I run away from them. The process was a total awful, gross, disgusting, heartbreaking, torturing, crap experience for a girl, like me – who can only take this much at one time.
Yes, you may say that I choose to do so when I can possibly escape it from time to time. I’ve tried, but I don’t think it works for me at that very moment. I can’t be living a lie forever and masking everything’s alright when I know exactly, it is not.
This leads to another part of the incident where it happened simultaneously one after another which has made me become who I am today. I fight with myself almost every second, to be or not to be, to give or not to give, to speak or not to speak, to touch or not to touch, to walk away or stay. The constant thoughts of ‘ruining’ myself and climbing up again is killing me. I’m exhausted. I tried to blame everyone around for making such incidents happen when it can be avoided. I even blame God (I rarely believe in Him), for pulling me into such a dramatic scene(s) at one bloody time.
There’s this one special night, I stopped blaming everyone and even myself for this and that. I cried and say this to myself – It’s okay, I understand. Don’t need to take all my problems away, but Please give me strength to go through each of them.
Immediately, the day after I look at the problems/mess right into my eyes – to see whether does it mean anything to me or not. For which I cannot undo death, but the opposite. I stepped out from my house and go to this place to look for that specific living ‘creature’. and I found the answer there and then. Straight away. Like instant. Flash! It’s clearly written in your deadly eyes which speaks thousand words when no one can hear you.
Until today, I hear them still. Both of them - my most important men in life. Each and every words lingers around my ears still – just like the melody in my heart.
They have taught me something -
1: even if you lose something, lose it gracefully and it is okay.
2: one can be so selfish that one cannot imagine. so be it.
3: what comes around, really goes around.
4: zero is round. the earth is also in round shape. there’s no corner where you can hide. we will meet someday, again.
I have stopped crying, but that doesn’t mean I’m strong. Probably, my heart turns cold and couldn’t produce anymore tears. Many people often think that I’m weak, cry very easily, over-emotional, ugly, a big time follower, no perfect skin, no vocab, stubborn, no black silky hair, laugh too loud, don’t earn big bucks, clingy, selfless, no perfect eye sight, blur, not smart enough, not intellectual at all, doesn’t know how to cook, easily cheated, an option to people, .. etc etc.. but that’s what makes me a human, no? I fell and I gather my courage all by myself, and slowly stand up again. I’m me. They brought me here, to be me. I’m perfectly me. and This living creature has contributed a bit of things to my life. He created this and left me alone to handle this. But then, that’s not the end of the whole drama. They say every ending is the new beginning. I can’t help but to agree.
Everything is flipping around and crossing over. I will step back, bit by bit. For I’d given my all. :’ ))
Side note: This whole week, I have been bombarded with tons of questions from people around US. Questions that doesn’t really bother me at first, but the after-effect is picking up quite fast. it’s like pumping real hard next to your heart and you think you could breathe but not really. I’m no body to answer the questions which you guys have been pointed out. I’m no body to comment or say anything anymore. I wouldn’t want to spell anything about it. It’s not even my story to begin with. Thanks for your concern, really.
x
p/s: objective to this blogpost is to be honest.
